so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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