Your dad touched me again.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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