dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
