haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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