Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
