Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
