let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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