morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Life is so much better after having sex.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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