defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
