When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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