I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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