I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
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Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
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