Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Who died my cat blue again?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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