Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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