Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
