I'm eating all of the evidence.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
