only you would photoshop your dick
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
