She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
