Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
