My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies