Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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