pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
