Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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