see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
