"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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