note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
