i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's the barista slut.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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