woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
