omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
