u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
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Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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