Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
