Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
