The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
