best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
