She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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