the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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