I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
