He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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