Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
