dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
