On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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