I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wish there were birth control emojis
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
