I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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