I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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