woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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