hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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