I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
