So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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