Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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