then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
