It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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