you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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