Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
