just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
