you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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