No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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