I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I looked at my own cervix.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
