I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
