Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
