So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
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Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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