took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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